Letter from an Exhausted Lightworker

Perhaps you know – or know of – a young (28 or 29) spiritual teacher from Holland who’s now based in Boulder by the name of Bentinho Massaro. I found it interesting to see him splash on to the spiritual scene the way he did in his early 20’s. He had it all going on, and (as I heard his mother say once) was “all about consciousness” since childhood. He got a stylin’ web presence going, and has had a self-study course available for purchase online (offered free now) for a few years, thanks to his tech-savvy immediate circle.

So I was surprised to read what follows, which he just posted on Facebook an hour ago. I relate to much of it… albeit from quite a bit farther down the road than his young frustrated (and currently ill) self. I’ve often wondered if it’s just me, or is it the profound shift underway that makes “coming up with a new vision, a new plan” in this frequency (vibration, octave) seem futile during the “last act.”  Maybe this will speak to you; at any rate, here it is.   With love & compassion, Whitehawk

I’ll be honest with you guys, and this may be partially the Dengue fever speaking, but there isn’t any direction that excites me anymore at the moment. I feel accomplished and simultaneously exhausted.

maxresdefaultI’m tired of starting new projects, manifesting funding from a community of poor spiritual seekers, or spiritually entitled rich people who say they want to change the world but when it comes down to actually giving they hide their pockets, having to work together with others who rarely seem to get the original intent of my channeled vision and always try to bend it to ‘reality’, let alone be able to bring it to full execution as envisioned… I’m even tired of being a visionary. I prefer to refrain from envisioning anything new right now. I can’t be bothered to pick up a new thought or idea. It’s been like this for a couple of months now.

I was going to spend two weeks in total darkness meditating, discovering a new depth and possibly re-invigorate a direction toward service to humanity for the next stage of my physical life. Then my girlfriend and I caught dengue fever, and I’ve physically felt worse than I can remember having ever felt. Which perfectly adds to the reflection that no direction at this timing is supported. Not even the only thing I feel could recharge me.

The one thing I was truly looking forward to just became uncertain/unlikely at this timing because of a tiny little insect. I’ve wanted to be in darkness for two weeks since I was 16 years old, as it feels like a vacation from my physical service. A particular darkness retreat has always been like a carrot dangling in front of me. And it seemed perfectly in alignment now with the timing of my overall exhaustion and lack of excitement for generating being of service in new ways. We’ll see.

I just can’t seem to conjure up the passion to get things going anymore. Even the thought of healing my own body seems pointless.

As much experience as I may have generated in my short time on Earth so far (super accelerated living), imagine if you will that in contrast to the speed with which I internally know things can manifest, It still feels like nothing truly has come to fruition yet. I feel tired and jaded and like nobody out there is really skillful/awake/balanced/confident/faithful/pure enough to help me make some real fucking change for the benefit of all.

In the meantime, every single day I can hear the cries of the people of Earth. And it has kept me pushing forward against all odds and against my own moods. But lately even that has not been enough to motivate me. If the world doesn’t want to change itself yet, who am I to intrude?

The only thing I feel successful and accomplished in is luckily my main reason for being incarnate: creating a digestible, comprehensive, effective spiritual teaching to leave behind for mankind, and to connect to the spiritual seekers of Earth and show them a new example, and transmit/exchange true love/devotion/support with them through my events. And so with the availability of www.trinfinityacademy.com and the hundreds of hours of retreat footage, and having made this beautiful connection with the crowds at my events many times over, I feel complete in my journey in this regard.

None of the other amazing visions I have seen myself be in the generator role of ever seem to really go beyond the stage of inception, or being envisioned. Which occasionally makes me wonder if my time on Earth is coming to a close or if I’m truly meant to be leading anything new. I thought I was, but it feels like a roadblock every time. Perhaps the collective simply isn’t ready yet for some of those next level manifestations.

Here’s a point of controversy perhaps, and call me delusional if you want, but as clearly as you can tell a chicken from a pig, I can see that I am from a different vibrational domain. This physical 3D illusion of a world is not my original home. I was called forth—along with many others—by the collective unconscious of the human race, and I responded with an incarnation, out of love. So to be here with any degree of comfort or feeling at home requires me to have a powerful sense of direction. Now that that hasn’t been here for a few months, and my envisioned retreat in darkness as the possible turning point has become very unsure, I feel lovingly disgusted by my body and the outdated nature of these vehicles people call ‘their bodies’.

When I have a strong direction I can easily overlook the sluggishness of this purposeful physical illusion. I can even find great joy and love in it, as it is all made of love. But when the acceleration stops and the train breaks down for too long, I can’t help but generate feelings of soul-homesickness or “not belonging” through the powerful contrast of being focused in this slow dimension, versus the non-physical density/dimensions I feel within my true Self.

No better way this could be demonstrated to me right now by incapacitating this already sluggish vehicle, having it lay in bed for a week wearing the same stinking clothes, hooking it up to an iv I have to keep a close eye on, attached to an immobile lamp stand too far away from my bed, giving me minimal range to lay in bed comfortably, with ants crawling on my body, with a nurse present in the room 24/7 to hold up my iv bag whenever I need to go to the restroom that’s separated from him/her by a curtain, getting my iv line entangled with my laptop and Iphone charger because Earth’s batteries still die, because a few fat f*cks at the Pentagon have decided since the 40-ies that all the healing and free energy devices should be suppressed cause they would hurt their oil-invested bank accounts, and the cowardly sheeplike attitude of this world have allowed that to endure for 70+ years, plus we’d rather destroy our planet anyway because what could be smarter… ok I’ll stop rampaging positive thoughts ;). Thanks for indulging me for a second.

But compare the above to a state where your body is made of light, can be in multiple states and locations at once, has no weight to it, cannot be harmed, can appear as whatever your consciousness directs it to appear as, can travel across galaxies at the speed of thought, is always obviously directly hooked up to an organic energy source greater than anything you can imagine… Source. God. The Creator. The One Infinite.

But here I am. Hooked up to a line needing sleep, sustenance, home care. 😂💜🙏

The good thing is that I’ve learned to love everything. No, really. Even when it sounds like I don’t, I still do. Without fail. Including this, and including the bouts of frustration that serve me in making powerful choices and leaping forward, which sometimes requires me to get out of my state of love and non-duality (seemingly, because it’s impossible, but I allow myself that illusion and thus the experience of it when it is beneficial to do so) and stand up against an experience, or state a preference through a powerful dislike or disagreement.

It was fun typing this on my phone with a restless body that can’t stay awake yet cannot fall asleep, with a needle running through my vein right above my typing thumb.

Gotto love being human. Where I come from, things move so fast. I wonder if I could go home for two weeks and then decide to come back? I want nothing more than to serve my seeking brothers and sisters , but could I just have a little break? 🤓

Massive respect for those who have been here longer and suffered more physical ailments and sluggishness. Perhaps you don’t know any better, like an animal raised in captivity being arguably less uncomfortable than the creature that experienced a comfy home with a big yard for the first 8 years of its life, but either way: massive respect for all beings physical—whether natives to Earth, or Wanderers (old souls you call them)—and all the beautiful lessons you are so willing to learn and submit yourselves too.

After all this rambling, depreciative as some of it may have sounded, I have but one message for you my friends: love, love, love and love some more. It’s what will make the difference.

And if I do happen to physically die anytime soon, please know I secretly loved every minute spent with any and all of you morons. Myself included.

Much love,


7 comments on “Letter from an Exhausted Lightworker

  1. Sluggish is an apt term – nice to know its not just me that’s feeling burned out and unmotivated to do ANYthing despite the desire and ability to do so much. Like I’m ready to serve but everything or everyone else hasn’t gotten to the starting line yet. I’ve kinda gone into observation mode now: just watching everything turn and happen around me.


  2. This is it the Fkng test of all tests….it just came to me now. It doesn’t make things any easier knowing it either!, … in fact the hardest thing is feeling like you don’t care about anything but really we’re just plain tired, so tired. Thank you Bentinho you brought a tear of truth to my heart.


    • Yes, Andrea, just so tired, chronically exhausted from trying to swim upstream, against the “mainstream current” year after year. Survival has become increasingly challenging, and “thrival” increasingly elusive for so many. I pray the day comes soon when we all experience the turning of the tide, “love steers the stars” (and of course, Earth), and we are brightly revived from this oppressive fatigue before we all just collapse en masse. Bless us, everyone.


  3. Wow, what a smile he has in the picture – so genuine. I feel it. I just felt like adding my experience in case it’s helpful to others, because I too have felt this feeling of being in limbo. About 1.5 years ago I had a bit of an awakening. Hard to describe, but the one thing that resonated strongly with me was the Power of NOW. I started seeing everything as happening NOW (i.e. no time), and being more present and not thinking as much. This also coincided with what others have described as losing interest in earthly things, or all of the things that used to be interesting to me! I also had no desire interacting much with people, but not in a negative way, but actually in a very positive way – I was doing what I wanted in life when I wanted without any thought otherwise. It felt very natural and like it was just what I needed to go through at this time. Anyway, this phase seems to have suddenly ended this past December and January. I still feel that “thing of the Earth” are not giving me any pleasure, but I’ve discovered a new wonderful pleasure that is all of a sudden very exciting to me – I’m talking to people and usually joking around with them! I mean like alot of people, every where I go, and it’s bringing me lots of joy. Talk to cashiers, people in line at stores, people on the street, people at work, people in the gym, etc. Anyway, sorry for the long post, but if you are feeling like nothing in life is pleasurable, maybe try putting a big smile on your face and talk to people. It’s certainly a joy in my life now. It feels more real than anything has in a while. Oh, just in case people are interested, I’m 39 years old and I live in the Boston area. Thanks for reading!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Cory11! Your comment makes me smile.

    Many who know me often hear me lamenting about the absence of GOOD HUMOR in most everyone these days, it seems. I’m talking LAUGHTER… the kind that makes your eyes water.

    When I was a kid, Carol Burnett had a weekly comedy show that was a riot … it would be full of skits filmed before a live audience, and the cast was strongly inclined to go off into spontaneous, crazy, funny ad-libs that cracked up the rest of the cast *mercilessly.* Half the fun of the show was laughing at the uncontrollable laughter on the screen while they tried to regain composure to continue the skit. I wanted to be Carol Burnett when I grew up! Then adulthood became SO serious.

    Laughter, for ME, is one of the greatest gifts of being human. Yet I find myself wondering, what happened here, when did it die? I mean the REAL laughter that erupts in response to clever, snappy “wit” as opposed to polite tittering in response to “not much,” or mean-spirited derision. See, you’ve set me off here ;) …maybe you could become the “laughing yoga” teacher in your area; maybe you already are one. I’m heartened to hear about your recent shift to “laugh medicine,” as the world is aching for it, imho. Shine on Cory! :-D Whitehawk x


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